Penelope's-Wods must have run out of ideas

Well, for this review, the critic has reviewed penelopes. Let's think about this. Most of his audience lives in murray hill,or at least the eastern part of midtown. Penelope's is a murray hill mainstay. WHY REVIEW A PLACE THAT 80% OF YOUR AUDIENCE HAS BEEN TO MANY TIMES!! I polled wods audience and 4 out of 5 of them have been to penelope's more than once. I tried to find more readers of wod's blog,but sadly failed to find 6 people who admitted to reading it. So my question is this. Why is is that all of wods reviews are places everyone has been (penelope's, rare, ThaiNy) or random "diamonds in the rough" that he always claims are incredible. I mean, at this point his whole strategy has been exposed more than Jason Garret's offense! I've never read a blog more predictable than Mission Impossible 3 yet more confusing than Scream 3 at the same time. This is just terrible,terrible work. Worse yet,the critic's descriptions can best be described as "straight out of a homosexual thesaurus" (someone else's words, not mine) For the second time in as many months, I will refuse to review a wodstein blog. As the critic alway says,when reviewing, you must discuss the good and the bad. Accordingly, this is an awful review,and I must advise you NOT waste one second reading Wodstein's Penelope's review.

on a happier note, Happy New Years to all.

Figs-new city, same predictable fluff

Before Richies surprise party in Philadelphia Thanksgiving weekend, wods, HILLARY richie and marissa went to his place. Sadly, Amanda and I were unable to attend,but heard it was very nice. When Wods told me he'd be reviewing this place, i thought, "o wow, a new city, maybe a new blog format or a more interesting blog.". Overall, the only time I was more wrong about anything was when i thought "gee, this JB girl is pretty cool, and normal". Honorable mention-"I can really show Mark 'the blinger' Heberling the right path by living with him junior year.". Needless to say, neither of those ventures went well,and neither did this blog. Here's why:

Bread with White Bean Dip: A pretty bland revieiw for a seemingly decent starter. I would have liked more than a sentence here. wods REALLY shoulda read that book report on tigers I wrote in third grade. and if you think I'm running the tiger book report joke into the ground, well, you're right.

Baked Brie Notes: Terrel Owens freaking out. Britney spears having a meltdown on national TV. Wods ordering Brie Cheese, meatballs, or spinach at one of his dinners. All things you can almost guarantee in life. How about a little variety, eh critic? You're supposed to recommend meals, not let us know which places in the world have the best brie cheese. Your reviews kind of remind me of "where in the world is carmen san diego?". I was hoping for something more like iron chef.

Spinach and co. triangles: Well, this really makes my point for me. I understand you like spinach josh. Theres like 45,000 other foods out there. Try something else. Or if you're going to eat spinach and meatballs everywhere you go, thats fine,but let us read something better. I don't make the same jokes each week (outisde of the tiger joke and your blogs being kinda wod). Give us some quality. Right now I feel like Bill Murray in groundhog day every time i read one of your blogs. I keep waiting for an alarm clock to go off blasting "I got you babe".

Crispy Duck Breat: Finally,a decent section. I think I've finally figured out wod's writing style. Odd attempts at humor, obsession over weird stuff, and the occasional flash of solid writing. After many attempts to liken him to a pop culture persona, I think I've nailed it. Wods writing is akin to the work of Steve Urkel. Think about it. Ridiculously corny jokes? Check. Weird obsessions with a topic no one cares about (science, or in wods case, food) Check. Ability to occasionally make you chuckle while thinking what the fuck? Check. There you have it. Wods=Steve Urkel. And if you're keeping score at home, reiko still equals Stefan Urkell. I'm not even going to review the last dish or give a score, I think this really sums it up.

One last thought-it was nice to see a fred blom joke thrown in there. For those who don't know, Fred, while probably the nicest guy you'll ever meet, can't seem to remember anyones name. He's mistaken me for my brother, Tennessee for Florida, and Chak for these 2 wod Brazilian twins who went to lo mo and his from their nanny in a dumpster after throwing a Halloween party senior year. Well, that's all I've got.

I hope the blog finds you and yours well,and your holiday season in enjoyable. In the holiday spirit I won't tell grade this blog, and I'll even tell you to support the critic as he finds his writing style. Also, look for me and Rofsky's blog, 1010 blogspot to drop shortly after the new year.

Happy Holidays!!!

Perry Street "a lesson for all of us"

Question: Who is more jealous? Wods of his roommate's new great blog (http://divebartofivestar.blogspot.com/) or Frankie Delgado that he will be replaced as Brody's best friend at the conclusion of MTV's new show Bromance? answer-probably wods-i think frankie's more just shocked that someone else is so pathetic they need to be brody jenner's best friend. In some il fated attempt to keep up with Matt, wods has chosen a flashy new background that gives me a bigger head ache than the disco ball in Kalmus's room. I'd also like to take this opportunity to announce IMPORTANT NEWS: While I wail still keep reviewing wod's reviews to let you know which ones are worth your time. I am also starting a new blogging venture. My good friend Phil Rofsky and I will be starting a co-blog. The name will be forthcoming in future announcements,but the blog will includes a running diary of certain tv shows, as well as pop culture updates and analysis, fresh gossip, and the occasional educational essay. We may even branch out to video messages. I dont know-I don't know if we'll have enough time. Either way,if you follow my blog,and read phils minutes in college (if you weren't on the beta sig list serve circa 2003-4 you really missed out) I'm sure you are excited for this joint venture. Look for it to drop in early 2009. Anyhow, while it's certainly much less important, we are here to review wods, so here it goes:

After the Cavatappo disaster (which stan did confirm was a truly awful night), the critic seems to like this place. One of my main complaints about the critic is that whenhe likes a place he goes into elaborate detail,but when he dislikes a place,he doesn't describe why as much. This is one of the things that keeps him from the "upper echelon" of bloggers. He's on the cusp of being a quality writer,but a few flaws holds him down. He's kinda like Kwame Brown when Kwame came out of high school. You kind of just assume he's good based on word of mouth,and you keep waiting for him to materialize,but 5 years later Kwame's been on 6 NBA teams and is battling for minutes with someone named Amir Johnson. Not good times.

Sweet Potato Soup notes- this soup sounds good,and the critic describes it nicely. He mentions something about slurping and watching will and grace,but i kind of tuned out admist the fluff. The critic could have gotten his point across without rambling on like Sarah Palin trying to name a newspaper.

Roasted Beets Notes- I'll give credit here credit is due. Most of this review was good,and the critic made me chuckle a bit here,amidst a delicious sounding beet dish.

Arctic Char sashimi- It's nice to see the critic review a "new" type of dish. It sometimes seems as though he eats the same thing each week. It's more predictable than the Bloom family all drinking out of one cup (if you don't know about the communal cup, ask richie-it's real weird). This dish sounds delicious. Good choice critic.

Cod notes- Nothing like this paragraph shows how much Bronstien likes food. I think he actually thinks he is a real food critic. He really likes teaching people about news restaurants which is respectable. He's kind of like George Feeny in boy meets world, only he doesn't have a stuart minkus to suck up to him. Wods, I hope you find your minkus. The cod also seems to be worth giving a shot.

Hangar Steak notes- We all know the critic hangar steak tends to be a bit tough, so it must have been nice for him to taste a mildly cooked and juicy cut. The hangar steak sounds delightful,and is well described. I also appreciated the commentary on the color of the burssel sprouts. Nice touch.

Perry Street seems like a nice little place,and may be a real "hidden gem" ( i don't think joe's shanghai counts,sorry critic. Predictably the report is more biased then fox news' coverage of a political event, but what are you gonna do. Overall, this was quality work. On to the scores:

Usefulness-4: A good review. Very detailed. I didn't want to stop reading after 2 minutes. Nicely done.

Value Added- This is actually a place I had never heard of,and I learned a lot. I'll give it a 4.

Decipherability- This wasn't that decipherable. i think. It gets a 3.

Humor- there were maybe one or 2 jokes here,but as my expectations have lifted, this blog fialed miserably in the humor section. It only gets a 2.

Total score: 13/20

cavatappo-bad food, decent review.

I think one of the good things about my reviews are that they actually help wods become a better critic. after admittedly harsh criticism over blogs that make "paris hilton's new BFF" seem interesting, Josh finally responds with a good review. I'm proud of him too, his draught was almost as long as Paulie Shore's. On to the review.

For once the critic doesn't get too wrapped up in himself (to start out at least) and explains to us why this place is bad and the waiter was subpar. I enjoyed reading it. And as the critic selfishly suggests, his blog will keep me from going to this place. I guess the moral of the story is, when you search for a "diamond in the rough" every week, sometimes your metal detector gives you channukah gelt wrappers (tin foil). Or Christmas ornaments for our goyem friends. I do appreciate wods' letting us know how bad this place is.

Shrimp and Garlic Pizza: Well, it appears this dish was not very good. It reminds the critic of DiGiorno pizza, and it doesn't even have dick vitale making a commercial about it. Wait,that's actually a good thing. but the pizza's still bad. It actually sounds grosser than this broccoli cheddar soup the critic made me one time.....

Assorted Italian meat plate: also a bad dish with a good review. The critic makes his first funny joke of the year. "I expect a little better quality then packaged lunch meat and frozen pizza. The only thing worse would be the packaged lunch meat on top of the frozen pizza which I am sure was an option on the menu." GOOD JOB JOSH. You were successful in your bid to make me laugh before the detroit lions won a game. It was close though. Still the critic claiming he's not a food snob is like shore claiming he's not impulsive or Fatty claiming he doesn't love himself.

Assorted Cheeese plate: Not surprisingly this was wod's favorite dish. "anyone who knows me knows that" he says. Sounds to me like wods is more biased towards cheese than Mark Furman was against OJ. And that's really saying something. And if you're thinking I just crossed the line, well, you're right.

Mussels and Calamari: These 2 items go together Mike Vick and PETA (plaxico burress and anti-gun associations were the runner up for that joke). Well, maybe they go together a little more. but not much. why are they grouped together then? Bc wods "can't wait for this review to be over". I have to admit,this really bothers me. you make us read bullshit blurbs about switch and joe's shanghai for multiple weeks, finally come up with some quality writing,and then quit right before the finish line. I don't get it. After cooling down, i read a little bit about how neither dish was good. I need to speak with Stan (one of the "secret" dining partners) to find out if this place was really so bad or if wods is exagerating. If it really is that bad, it may be one of the worst establishments ever. From this description the meals we made in schmelver sound more attractive.

In closing, I am reminded of a note we wrote sr year in college and i saw again while at shore's this weekend. "bronstein takes his cooking way too far." Take out cooking and input food in general and you have the most accurate statement in the history of mankind. Still,this review was good,and detailed. I'm hopeful future reviews will build on this effort. On to the scores.

Usefulness: 5- Assuming wods wasn't exaggerating about this place (still TBD, I'll keep you posted) it sounds like the chef was worse than Mo Gumps (you only get this if you were in beta sig). The thought of a Gummo is enough to scare me away from a restaraunt any time.

Value added-4 I had never heard of this spot, but wods created some value by advising me not to go there. After 2 categories he has eclipsed the aggregate score of his last 2 entires. Yay!!!

Decipherability- While talking a few days ago, wods and i had a discussion that this category isn't even real. since he had the where-with-all (def. spelled wrong) to call me out on it,he gets a 5.

Humor-I like to laugh. It happned a few times here. Worth a 4 as well.

Total score=18/20 !!! all time high!!