Kobe Club-- a white kid trying to be....????

Question: Who is whiter than Joshua Adam Bronstein? Answer: NO ONE. Well, maybe Richie on some days. but overall, no one. I think that's what makes this Beastie Boys like attempt at being "hip" so comical. Another part of the review i enjoyed was reading how a bird had shit ont he critic on his way to the kobe club. Now you know how we all feel when we have to read your meandering (big word alert!) reviews-confused and slighlty angry. In typical on again off again wodstein fashion, this review wasn't so bad. Let's have a look.


Actually wait. I can't let this line slip through "My idea of fine dining does not include hearing Beyonce and Alicia Keys; however, I must admit, when they come on the ipod, you will see those hips start to shake." There are so many things I can comment on here. My head literally exploded much like Gus Johnson's thinking of the possibilities. I mean, this has to be the single gayest thing that anyone has ever said. I think I should just leave it at that before offending more indiviuals, religions,ethnicities and animal rights groups than the show Family Guy, John Rocker and Archie Bunker combined.

Kobe Beef hot dog notes- Through reading his blogs, it has become evident the critic really enjoys any special attention that he feels differentiates himslef from any other diner. Not since Chad "Ocho Cinco" Johnson have I seen such a self centered figure. The hot dogs, however, sound quite good.

Kobe Beef Ravioli notes-every now and then bronstein's true love for food really shows through all the other bullshit. This papragraph was REALLY well done, and he deserves credit. He tells us why the ravioli was good,but lets us know the sauce is too heavy. If I go to Kobe Club again, maybe I'll order it sans sauce. This is the kind of stuff we're looking for critic. Not details of your gay love affair with the top chef. Good work.

Sirloin Steak notes-wow, this steak does sound good. The critic says it's the best meat he's ever put in his mouth, and we all knwo he has a lot of experience there! Gee, when did this blog become one big gay bash? Probably the same time Bronstein said "I'm gonna start a food blog". Oh well. This steak sounds really good, and the critic has sold me. If you go to Kobe Club order it. However,it sitll annoys me that he won't indentify his dining partner as one Hillary Steele. This may be the least funny gimmick since those bill gates jerry seinfeld comercials that just creeped everyone out.

Truffled French Fries- I will give all credit to Steph Rosen here. The critic did nothing. Glad we settled that.

Well, bronstein mentioned he didn't really fit in at the Kobe club,and he's right. I haven't seen a white guy try so hard to be black since Barack Obama. (despite that joke, PLEASE vote for him next week). But I have to admit,this review was definitely solid. Check it out. This makes me excited to review the next review so important questions can be answered. said questions include: Will Bronstine finally string together 2 good reivews? (probably not.) Will I stop mercilessly ripping on him? (probably not.) Will the Kobe club have some sort of celbration if Obama wins (maybe??) On to the scores:

Usefulness-4

Value added-4

Decipherability-4

Humor-4

Total score=16/20. nice job.

malaga-good advice, poor writing

Question: Can anyone think of an actor/athlete/celebrity who tries harder then bronstein does in his blog? I really can't. I sat and stared at my computer like a stoner stares at his hands trying to figure out how they got so big. And the truth is, I've got nothing. And I think that's my main beef here. The critic has some good thoughts,but tries too hard to be corny or funny or some odd combination of both. He also thinks just because he lived in Spain for a few months and likes food that he's a "spanish food expert.". That's almost as silly as if Sarah Palin claimed she had a lot foreign policy experience just because Alaska is kind of near Russia. Oh wait.....
I'm also slightly concerned with the critics opinion towards Spanish food. Both in earlier blogs and in personal conversations, the critic claims "this place has the most authentic spanish food, I would know." Josh, eventually, every phrase becomes played out. I would know-I rode "sorry man, i'm real fucked up" through half of college before people started catching on.

Patatas Bravas: I've been to Barcelona and I like food as well,so I feel I'm just as qualified to disuss these as he is. He actually does a nice job in his description. He tells me what patatas braves should be like,and how they matched up. BUT he turns me off by going on and on about his own futile attempts at making good patatas bravas-based on things hes cooked for me before, I'd say McLovin has a better chance of getting laid.

Fried Chorizo notes: This review is literally only two sentences. What the fuck? ESPN "Dream Job" winner Mike Hall's career was longer than this.

Shrimp in Garlic Sauce: For the 6th time the critic tells us he's an avid spanish food lover. Have you ever heard of a thesaurus?

Chicken Villaroy Notes: This paragraph really sums up my complaints with this review perfectly. He shows he's not such a bad critic by actually describing the dish quite well. Really. I'm not lying-I actually am complimenting him. Check it out. BUT he also includes phrases such as "to die for" and "mmm delcisious" frankly this creeps me out more than kethcup and the movie hannibal combined. It also makes me think Bronstein is trapped in an 80 year old woman's body.

MariscaDA notes-WOW!! I haven't seen the critic this excited since he dreamed of customizing his kitchen just like the sussman's. (yes,he really said this. He also has a food blog). Again, a good description. If we could do without the futile attmpets at humor,we might have something here.

I'm running out of time, so I'll leave it at this. I'm sorry to crush the critic again,but his reviews are the more inconsistent that Gus Frerrote ( I feel like I've used that joke before, sorry gus). Some are good, some aren't. This was not. The scores:

Usefulness: 4-actually good content,just poor writing

Value added: 3- i'd try this place. i think that's the critic's point. If not, I don't want to know what his point is.....

Decipherability:2- Anyone have any better ideas for a category here?

Humor/ value added-0: This is as close as I have come to a negative rating. That would just be cruel though. I hope next week is better-but I just looked at the title-"kobe club, if you're straight gangstaaaaaa"-stay tuned. should be interesting.

Total Score: 9/20

A Voce-a comeback bigger than the music city miracle

On the heals of last week's chicago cubs like bed wetting / choke job, I was really hoping for a better review.I also feel the need to bring something to the attention of my readers. Apparently wodstein's roommate has started his own food blog. In my mind, this is the best spin off idea since Frasier.In fact, we will now have 2 blogs that are based off of Bronstein's blog. Bronstein must feel like a non retarded William Hung-deep down he's just doing this blog for his own good and never imagined this many people would pay attention to him. and when you first saw it you thought "wow, this will be funny for a few times and then eventually go away." Only somehow it grew in popularity and is now fairly mainstream and the only way this can end is with bronstein making a holiday cd (http://www.cduniverse.com/search/xx/music/pid/6762512/a/Hung+For+The+Holidays.htm)
Anyhow, this introduction was longer than Conan O brien's nightly musing's that take up half the show. At least it's not last call with Carson Daly. On to the review

Duck Meatball notes-meatballs 2 weeks in a row? It seems the critic is a bigger ball whore than Audrina Partridge. (speaking of the hills, is there a real person comparison to spencer pratt. He's actually such a douche he's kind of likable, and after a while you start to hate Heidi's sister. Besides,spencer got a bad rap-everyone knows liz gately started the sex tape rumor.)The review itself was actually quite good. The critic does a nice job of explaining why the meatballs weren't good. I would have liked to have heard more about this rotten sauce,but overall a good start. Of course, Ricky Martin's career got off to a good start too,and we all know how that ended up.

Caprese Salas notes-Every now and then the Kansas city chiefs string together a few good plays in a row. Why is this relevant? Well, every now and then the critic strings together a couple of nice paragraphs. At least Bronstein's coach isn't Herm Edwards. I gotta give the critic props here too-he makes note of the small portions and even lets me know tomatoes are in season in august. This knowledge is probably as useful as the middle names of the 3 Tanner sisters (Jo, Judith, Elizabeth), but it's a nice touch. Well done critic.

Crostini Toscana notes-The critic brings the flavor to life and also again mentions the small portions. I'm not quite sure what josh is used to, but in my imagination these appetizers are smaller than rabbit poop. That's all here.

Seared scallop notes-It seems the critic didn't like this dish very much. In fact it seems duller than most of his reviews (Zing!!). After reading it I felt kinda nauseous and made the eli manning face, only to watch eli throw an interception that was ran back for a Td, upon which eli made the eli manning face. Great times indeed. This will come back to haunt me if the giants win the superbowl again,but let's hope that doesn't happen.

Farfalle notes-earlier I tore apart the critic for claiming he was a better cook then a professional at ThaiNy. Yet when he claims Wod Mike's farfalle is better than A Voce's it seems believable. I don't know why, but Wod Mike seems like the kind of kid that make's good farfalle. Than again I thought "Baywatch nights" AND "the new adventures of old christine" would be good Tv shows. So what do i know? I do know the critic says don't eat this farfel.

Riggatoni notes-well, there were a couple issues with this. One, you're a critic and it seems you ate very little due to the small portions. Why not at least sample this dish. What if i somehow end up at A voce and someone recommends the riggatoni? I'll end up more indecisive than Algazi at those old school Friday night dinner's (name dropper/shout out alert!!). Speaking of name droppers,why not name the person you eat with. We all know who it is. She constantly has your blog in her away message. This is the worst kept secret since Lindsay Lohan denied having a coke problem.

Dessert notes-apparently the critic is a real jerk and considered skipping out on the bill. That's just wrong. Even in The Sopranos, when the NJ mob kills people at the dinner table, Silv always thrown down a 100 before he walks out. I'm glad he stayed because it led to this line : "A gourmet doughnut is like a 100 little orgasms packed into one tasty treat.". I'm pretty sure I overheard Richard Simmons say the same thing to Clay Aiken once. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

In closing, this review was actually informative and to some degree,entertaining. I understand where the critic is coming from when complaining about the high prices and small portions. Still, for as much as he killed this place, he did seem to like certain dishes. You could even make the argument the opinion itself was as inconsistent as David Spade in "Just Shoot Me". Still, a step in the right direction. As Ari Gold says "This town loves a comeback,and since Britney fucked hers up, there's room for you." Or something like that. Seriously though, this review wasn't that great because Wods did a nice job and there wasn't much to pick apart. Let's see if that changes next week.

Usefulness-4: A pretty good review, I'll remember not to go to A Voce. Thanks Josh.

Value added-4: Again, a very good job. Huge turn around from the train wreck that was Perilla.

Decipherability-5: Whatever that means.

Humor/ Enjoyment-3: While not knee slappingly funny, it was an enjoyable read. I'll give credit where credit's due. Sorry this wasn't my best work,it's been a long day. This was more rushed out than Aquaman 2. I hope you enjoyed it.

Total Score: 16/20

perilla-one big slurp

For those of you who are not familiar with the term "slurp", it basically means "dick eat." If you can't figure out why, well, think about it. If you still can't figure it out, high school must have been rough for you. Why is this relevant-well,the last time I witnessed a public slurping as hard core as Josh slurping this random guy who won Top Chef was big sal and that tri delt girl in Kalmus' room junior year (true story). Seriously, no one cares who this guy is, or the fact that you happened to be in the same room as him. The writing is also cornier than Saved by the bell the new class.

spicy meatball dish notes-well, the main positive is that the critic describes the meatballs in such detail i feel like I was at the table. They do sound good, and if i go to perilla, I'll take his advice on these. The main negative is that I'm pretty sure it's illegal for any guy to go on and on this much about any type of "balls." Between that and all the slurping going on I'm not sure if I'm reading a review of a restaurant or the script to a sequel of Cuba Gooding and Horatio Sanz's movie "boat trip"

pork bellies notes-well, not to tear the critic apart, but this is where his inexperience as a writer is really exposed. Rather than describe what could be an interesting dish, the critic rambles on about a Penn State finance class. I still don't really know what pork bellies or, or how they taste. This is worse than that book report on Tigers I've alluded to in past blogs.

Chatham cod notes: Remarkably, the review includes this quote "I must admit I am not a huge olive fan to begin with, so my opinion here is not valid. " To me, this is astonishing. Why am I reading your blog if your opinion is worthless? While watching the Saints Vikings Monday night game, I just heard the infamous Ed Hocculi go on and on about how a false start prevailed over the other 6 penalties on the play. Somehow, that made more sense then the critic's work so far.

Trgger fish notes: Finally. a good section here. The critic does a really nice job of describing Trigger fish (sounds kind of made up to me) and what it taste's like. Where has this been for the first 90% of the blog? The critic then closes by slurping the dude who owns the restaraunt some more ( OMG he was there there the same night as Bronstein was!!! That's shocking seeing that he owns the restaurant and all) I want the past 30 minutes of my life back.

Well, this was not good work. Worse yet it was creepy. Remember in 90210 after Kelly has the coke problem and she brings home that random girl to live in the beach house,and everyone's bugged out because the girl is clearly obsessed with Kelly and even cuts her hair the same way? I'm slighlty concerned if you fast forward 15 years and substitute the 2 girls for Bronstein and this top chef winning guy you'd have the same situation. right down to Bronstien attempting suicide with the chef guy tied up next to him. Not good times. On to the scores.

Usefulness: 1-Before reading this i knew josh really liked and admired chefs. I didn't need to read this to find out.

Value added: 1-no comment

Decipherability: 3- This category makes no sense, I just need another category.

Humor/ value added-3-it may not be 100% intentional,but to some degree it was an enjoyable read. I apologize if it seems harsh,but sometimes negative reinforcement is necessary. I'm confident the critic will bounce back in review #6.

Total score: 8/20

rare bar and grill-a "rare" good review!!!

That little pun in the title wasn't just for humor purposes. It's a fact. I really enjoyed this review. Big improvement over the ThaiNy disaster. I know what you may be thinking-wow he actually likes Bronstein's reviews? Well,in a world where people want to write a blog reviewing my reviews of brontein's reviews,and Tina Fey's evil twin is running for vice president, anything is possible. On to the review.

Appetizer notes-Nothing very funny about this section. It was well done actually. And I'll tell you what else, he's right. Their briskett quesadilla IS good. You can see Bronstein maturing and progressing as a blogger. His performance is now out of "Heath Ledger's novice performance in 10 things I hate about you" territory and rapidly approaching "Heath Ledger in the joker" territory. Ok, maybe he's not that far along,but he's atleast in "Heath Ledger as a shaky yet enjoyable Sonny Grotowsky in monster's ball territory. For those of you who are surprised with where I went with that, well, the brokeback mountain comparison was too easy.

Fry tasting basket notes: Again, really good detail. This dish is delicious and josh brings it to life. I really enjoyed this passage -"What is a PB & J without the jelly? I tell ya one thing..its not a PB & J. It’s the same thing with burgers and fries- the all American classic meal." It did prompt an anonymous friend to claim "what's bronstein without a dildo?" Just throwing that out there. I apologize for the plagiarism. If anyone knows the correct MLA style parenthetical citation for a website, please let me know.

Rare Cheddar Cheese burger-the critic lets us know that he did not order this burger,but "tried a few bites." Rumor has it he ate the entire thing,then ordered another burger of his own. Fat-ass.(Why is that hyphenated,that's not right?)Anyhow, Josh does list all the toppings for us and yes, he's correct. The burger is quite good. I'm glad he didn't review McDonald's.

Filet Steakhouse burger with Brie Cheese-Yes Josh,we all know you love Brie cheese. Isn't a good critic supposed to be unbiased? Instead,the critic just goes on and on telling us how much he loves Brie cheese and couldn't even contribute to the conversation (what else is new?). While he's right on about the burger, a little less bias would be appreciated. Did rare pay you for this review? This seems awfully similar to the kickback scandal that rocked The Home Depot's corporate office last summer.


As I've stated,overall I did enjoy this review. I would actually suggest going to the jspot and reading it. It does rare a service. Maybe bronstein has a future in this business after all. On to the scores:

Usefulness: 5. A solid review.

Value added: 3-Much like ThaiNy this is a pretty mainstream restaurant most people have been to already. I agree with the review, but didn't learn anything new (except that an anonymous friend thinks Bronstein loves dildos.

Decipherability: 4-Every time i type this I become more and more convinced. The red squggily machine think it's 2 separate words.

Humor/Enjoyment:4- Much like the menen comericla / co-stan-za jingle, Bronstein's humor has started to grow on me.Sure it's corny and not "actually" funny,but it serves it's purpose. I think. Either way,this was an accurate and enjoyable read. Let's see if he can keep it up.

Total score-16/20

ThaiNY-8/9/2008

Well folks, your favorite reviewer of reviews is back and potentially better than ever. I must admit, I was disappointed by the critic's choice this week. I was hoping this blog would teach me about new and exciting places in NYC, not a place I pass every time I go to my girlfriend's place. I don't know many people who haven't been here before. Reviewing ThaiNY, a place everyone's already been to is like still telling everyone how great "The Dark Knight" was. Oh wait,the critic still does that too. Maybe we need to let him know it's October. Judging by his fantasy football team's performance the first 4 weeks he really might not be aware. On to the review.

Appetizer-A simple yet efficient review. Why was there nothing to report concerning the spring rolls? Were they good? Did you find them to be too greasy? What's your fascination with plum sauce? Was it better than the pasta you had at the g man on Saturday night? Let us know. Oh, and save me a dumpling. sorry for the lack of jokes here, it's been a long day.

Pad Thai-Sometimes the snow comes down in June. Sometimes the sun goes around the moon. No this is not an homage to Wod's favorite singer, Vanessa Williams,but is rather my way of admitting I have to 100% agree with the critic on this one. He really got this one right. I can't really find fault,or I'd risk sounding like Brett Favre doing his whole "we're not that good" routine after tossing 6 TD's. Don't get too excited though Josh. Even a broken clock is right twice a day. Sucker.

Shrimp in Ginger Sauce notes-"When I really don’t like something at a restaurant, I always ask myself, “could I make this better in my own kitchen?” Usually, if the dish isn’t great, the answer is yes". Wow. I really don't know what to say. I'm speechless. I mean......(shaking head).....really? You think you're a professional chef? What will be your go to dish on top chef....the broccoli cheddar soup or the tougher than nails hangar steak? I was a fan of your tuna that night sr year though-thanks for saving me a piece. you know I love Tuna.


Tamarin duck notes-wow you guys ate all this as only 2 people? Did you pull the trigger after? Nothing much to say here really. The critics fascination with plum sauce is noted. Maybe that will be next week's "secret ingredient"

It's tough writing these now because I know Josh's blogging does improve. Maybe I should skip to the current blogs. but than I'd deny you all my feelings on blogs 4-9. The point is, I did not like this blog at all. The only thing i dislike more than reviews of popular palces everyone's been too is "part 3" of a movie where studios just try and milk out more money even though half of the original cast is no longer signed on (i.e. Home Alone 3 sans Makauly Culkin). On to the scores:

Usefulness: 1-Again, we've all been here before. What will your next review be. McDonalds? I hear the Big Mac is really good these days.

Value added:1-I don't mean to beat this into the ground like Dan Dierdorf did Tom Brady's injury.


Decipherability:3-the writing style of this particular blog is more bland than a tough hangar steak. oh wait i already used that line. damn.

Humor:1-Tom Hanks. Mel Gibson. Stephanie Pratt. All great artists/entertainers have their lows and at some point get absolutely crushed by some snooty critic. Except Chuck Norris of course. Consider this your initiation. Better luck next time, Critic.