Penelope's-Wods must have run out of ideas

Well, for this review, the critic has reviewed penelopes. Let's think about this. Most of his audience lives in murray hill,or at least the eastern part of midtown. Penelope's is a murray hill mainstay. WHY REVIEW A PLACE THAT 80% OF YOUR AUDIENCE HAS BEEN TO MANY TIMES!! I polled wods audience and 4 out of 5 of them have been to penelope's more than once. I tried to find more readers of wod's blog,but sadly failed to find 6 people who admitted to reading it. So my question is this. Why is is that all of wods reviews are places everyone has been (penelope's, rare, ThaiNy) or random "diamonds in the rough" that he always claims are incredible. I mean, at this point his whole strategy has been exposed more than Jason Garret's offense! I've never read a blog more predictable than Mission Impossible 3 yet more confusing than Scream 3 at the same time. This is just terrible,terrible work. Worse yet,the critic's descriptions can best be described as "straight out of a homosexual thesaurus" (someone else's words, not mine) For the second time in as many months, I will refuse to review a wodstein blog. As the critic alway says,when reviewing, you must discuss the good and the bad. Accordingly, this is an awful review,and I must advise you NOT waste one second reading Wodstein's Penelope's review.

on a happier note, Happy New Years to all.

Figs-new city, same predictable fluff

Before Richies surprise party in Philadelphia Thanksgiving weekend, wods, HILLARY richie and marissa went to his place. Sadly, Amanda and I were unable to attend,but heard it was very nice. When Wods told me he'd be reviewing this place, i thought, "o wow, a new city, maybe a new blog format or a more interesting blog.". Overall, the only time I was more wrong about anything was when i thought "gee, this JB girl is pretty cool, and normal". Honorable mention-"I can really show Mark 'the blinger' Heberling the right path by living with him junior year.". Needless to say, neither of those ventures went well,and neither did this blog. Here's why:

Bread with White Bean Dip: A pretty bland revieiw for a seemingly decent starter. I would have liked more than a sentence here. wods REALLY shoulda read that book report on tigers I wrote in third grade. and if you think I'm running the tiger book report joke into the ground, well, you're right.

Baked Brie Notes: Terrel Owens freaking out. Britney spears having a meltdown on national TV. Wods ordering Brie Cheese, meatballs, or spinach at one of his dinners. All things you can almost guarantee in life. How about a little variety, eh critic? You're supposed to recommend meals, not let us know which places in the world have the best brie cheese. Your reviews kind of remind me of "where in the world is carmen san diego?". I was hoping for something more like iron chef.

Spinach and co. triangles: Well, this really makes my point for me. I understand you like spinach josh. Theres like 45,000 other foods out there. Try something else. Or if you're going to eat spinach and meatballs everywhere you go, thats fine,but let us read something better. I don't make the same jokes each week (outisde of the tiger joke and your blogs being kinda wod). Give us some quality. Right now I feel like Bill Murray in groundhog day every time i read one of your blogs. I keep waiting for an alarm clock to go off blasting "I got you babe".

Crispy Duck Breat: Finally,a decent section. I think I've finally figured out wod's writing style. Odd attempts at humor, obsession over weird stuff, and the occasional flash of solid writing. After many attempts to liken him to a pop culture persona, I think I've nailed it. Wods writing is akin to the work of Steve Urkel. Think about it. Ridiculously corny jokes? Check. Weird obsessions with a topic no one cares about (science, or in wods case, food) Check. Ability to occasionally make you chuckle while thinking what the fuck? Check. There you have it. Wods=Steve Urkel. And if you're keeping score at home, reiko still equals Stefan Urkell. I'm not even going to review the last dish or give a score, I think this really sums it up.

One last thought-it was nice to see a fred blom joke thrown in there. For those who don't know, Fred, while probably the nicest guy you'll ever meet, can't seem to remember anyones name. He's mistaken me for my brother, Tennessee for Florida, and Chak for these 2 wod Brazilian twins who went to lo mo and his from their nanny in a dumpster after throwing a Halloween party senior year. Well, that's all I've got.

I hope the blog finds you and yours well,and your holiday season in enjoyable. In the holiday spirit I won't tell grade this blog, and I'll even tell you to support the critic as he finds his writing style. Also, look for me and Rofsky's blog, 1010 blogspot to drop shortly after the new year.

Happy Holidays!!!

Perry Street "a lesson for all of us"

Question: Who is more jealous? Wods of his roommate's new great blog (http://divebartofivestar.blogspot.com/) or Frankie Delgado that he will be replaced as Brody's best friend at the conclusion of MTV's new show Bromance? answer-probably wods-i think frankie's more just shocked that someone else is so pathetic they need to be brody jenner's best friend. In some il fated attempt to keep up with Matt, wods has chosen a flashy new background that gives me a bigger head ache than the disco ball in Kalmus's room. I'd also like to take this opportunity to announce IMPORTANT NEWS: While I wail still keep reviewing wod's reviews to let you know which ones are worth your time. I am also starting a new blogging venture. My good friend Phil Rofsky and I will be starting a co-blog. The name will be forthcoming in future announcements,but the blog will includes a running diary of certain tv shows, as well as pop culture updates and analysis, fresh gossip, and the occasional educational essay. We may even branch out to video messages. I dont know-I don't know if we'll have enough time. Either way,if you follow my blog,and read phils minutes in college (if you weren't on the beta sig list serve circa 2003-4 you really missed out) I'm sure you are excited for this joint venture. Look for it to drop in early 2009. Anyhow, while it's certainly much less important, we are here to review wods, so here it goes:

After the Cavatappo disaster (which stan did confirm was a truly awful night), the critic seems to like this place. One of my main complaints about the critic is that whenhe likes a place he goes into elaborate detail,but when he dislikes a place,he doesn't describe why as much. This is one of the things that keeps him from the "upper echelon" of bloggers. He's on the cusp of being a quality writer,but a few flaws holds him down. He's kinda like Kwame Brown when Kwame came out of high school. You kind of just assume he's good based on word of mouth,and you keep waiting for him to materialize,but 5 years later Kwame's been on 6 NBA teams and is battling for minutes with someone named Amir Johnson. Not good times.

Sweet Potato Soup notes- this soup sounds good,and the critic describes it nicely. He mentions something about slurping and watching will and grace,but i kind of tuned out admist the fluff. The critic could have gotten his point across without rambling on like Sarah Palin trying to name a newspaper.

Roasted Beets Notes- I'll give credit here credit is due. Most of this review was good,and the critic made me chuckle a bit here,amidst a delicious sounding beet dish.

Arctic Char sashimi- It's nice to see the critic review a "new" type of dish. It sometimes seems as though he eats the same thing each week. It's more predictable than the Bloom family all drinking out of one cup (if you don't know about the communal cup, ask richie-it's real weird). This dish sounds delicious. Good choice critic.

Cod notes- Nothing like this paragraph shows how much Bronstien likes food. I think he actually thinks he is a real food critic. He really likes teaching people about news restaurants which is respectable. He's kind of like George Feeny in boy meets world, only he doesn't have a stuart minkus to suck up to him. Wods, I hope you find your minkus. The cod also seems to be worth giving a shot.

Hangar Steak notes- We all know the critic hangar steak tends to be a bit tough, so it must have been nice for him to taste a mildly cooked and juicy cut. The hangar steak sounds delightful,and is well described. I also appreciated the commentary on the color of the burssel sprouts. Nice touch.

Perry Street seems like a nice little place,and may be a real "hidden gem" ( i don't think joe's shanghai counts,sorry critic. Predictably the report is more biased then fox news' coverage of a political event, but what are you gonna do. Overall, this was quality work. On to the scores:

Usefulness-4: A good review. Very detailed. I didn't want to stop reading after 2 minutes. Nicely done.

Value Added- This is actually a place I had never heard of,and I learned a lot. I'll give it a 4.

Decipherability- This wasn't that decipherable. i think. It gets a 3.

Humor- there were maybe one or 2 jokes here,but as my expectations have lifted, this blog fialed miserably in the humor section. It only gets a 2.

Total score: 13/20

cavatappo-bad food, decent review.

I think one of the good things about my reviews are that they actually help wods become a better critic. after admittedly harsh criticism over blogs that make "paris hilton's new BFF" seem interesting, Josh finally responds with a good review. I'm proud of him too, his draught was almost as long as Paulie Shore's. On to the review.

For once the critic doesn't get too wrapped up in himself (to start out at least) and explains to us why this place is bad and the waiter was subpar. I enjoyed reading it. And as the critic selfishly suggests, his blog will keep me from going to this place. I guess the moral of the story is, when you search for a "diamond in the rough" every week, sometimes your metal detector gives you channukah gelt wrappers (tin foil). Or Christmas ornaments for our goyem friends. I do appreciate wods' letting us know how bad this place is.

Shrimp and Garlic Pizza: Well, it appears this dish was not very good. It reminds the critic of DiGiorno pizza, and it doesn't even have dick vitale making a commercial about it. Wait,that's actually a good thing. but the pizza's still bad. It actually sounds grosser than this broccoli cheddar soup the critic made me one time.....

Assorted Italian meat plate: also a bad dish with a good review. The critic makes his first funny joke of the year. "I expect a little better quality then packaged lunch meat and frozen pizza. The only thing worse would be the packaged lunch meat on top of the frozen pizza which I am sure was an option on the menu." GOOD JOB JOSH. You were successful in your bid to make me laugh before the detroit lions won a game. It was close though. Still the critic claiming he's not a food snob is like shore claiming he's not impulsive or Fatty claiming he doesn't love himself.

Assorted Cheeese plate: Not surprisingly this was wod's favorite dish. "anyone who knows me knows that" he says. Sounds to me like wods is more biased towards cheese than Mark Furman was against OJ. And that's really saying something. And if you're thinking I just crossed the line, well, you're right.

Mussels and Calamari: These 2 items go together Mike Vick and PETA (plaxico burress and anti-gun associations were the runner up for that joke). Well, maybe they go together a little more. but not much. why are they grouped together then? Bc wods "can't wait for this review to be over". I have to admit,this really bothers me. you make us read bullshit blurbs about switch and joe's shanghai for multiple weeks, finally come up with some quality writing,and then quit right before the finish line. I don't get it. After cooling down, i read a little bit about how neither dish was good. I need to speak with Stan (one of the "secret" dining partners) to find out if this place was really so bad or if wods is exagerating. If it really is that bad, it may be one of the worst establishments ever. From this description the meals we made in schmelver sound more attractive.

In closing, I am reminded of a note we wrote sr year in college and i saw again while at shore's this weekend. "bronstein takes his cooking way too far." Take out cooking and input food in general and you have the most accurate statement in the history of mankind. Still,this review was good,and detailed. I'm hopeful future reviews will build on this effort. On to the scores.

Usefulness: 5- Assuming wods wasn't exaggerating about this place (still TBD, I'll keep you posted) it sounds like the chef was worse than Mo Gumps (you only get this if you were in beta sig). The thought of a Gummo is enough to scare me away from a restaraunt any time.

Value added-4 I had never heard of this spot, but wods created some value by advising me not to go there. After 2 categories he has eclipsed the aggregate score of his last 2 entires. Yay!!!

Decipherability- While talking a few days ago, wods and i had a discussion that this category isn't even real. since he had the where-with-all (def. spelled wrong) to call me out on it,he gets a 5.

Humor-I like to laugh. It happned a few times here. Worth a 4 as well.

Total score=18/20 !!! all time high!!

Switch-"much ado about nothing"

I won't even start with my normal question answer format. I'll just tell it like it is. This entry wasn't even a blog,it was more of a blurb. kind of like the ones you read in the weddings section of the jewish exponent. Except their writers know how to write. I don't know if the critic has just been real busy or his dining partner (HILLARY) is sick of eating dinner at weird place, or what the deal is, but this "blurb" was really froced. I mean, who blogs about what they had on their lunch break. Thats just ridiculous. Perhaps the critic has hit the "writer's wall" and has run out of things to blog about. What I do know is I am more inclined to believe the eagles are happy with donovan mcnabb at quarterback then the critic things this place is blog worthy. It is a complete waste of the 45 seconds is takes to read it (maybe less depending on what level you read on.) I am not even really going to go into the details-there's not enough of them and they don't teach you anything anyhow. Seeing this makes me think maybe i should just start my own original blog. But wod's needs me to critique his writing so very much. So I'll stick with it. A piece of advice though critic. You claim people text you for dinner suggestions. I don't believe this for a second,but if they do, they certainly have lost respect for you after this terrible,terrible effort. Your readers deserve more. I'm hoping for better output soon.

Joe's Shanghai-another "diamond in the rough"

Question: If the critic keeps reviewing popular places many people have been and trying to play them off as his own discoveries, are they really his "diamonds in the rough."? Answer-Probably not. This review, while not really so bad, was as predictable as Caleb nickel shutting down Smoke Jumpers. ( OC shout out!!-although outside of Caleb, is any actor on that show currently employed? Those guys faded faster than the crew from Boy Meets World). My favorite part of this blog was my girlfriend Amanda reading it to me in the 5 year old's voice she interepreted Bronstein writing it in. Highly comical. On to the review:

Dumpling notes: The great use of detail and creation of flavor can lead me to believe Bronstein's roommate helped him write this section. Apparently the roommate has a blog that makes the critic's look more amature Dustin Diamonds sex tape. If you still have an appetite after thinking about that, try the dumplings. They seem tasty.
As a side note,the critic tells us how dumpling soup is made. Currently tony kornhesier is telling the story of romeo crennel's life. Somehow, that seems more interesting than wod's soup story. In fact, the only thing that could make the soup story more boring would be if it were read by Ben Stein. Nice effort though.

Kung Pao chicken-not too mild, not too spicy. the red form the bottom of the wok. Now this is good writing! I haven't been this excited since I learned Toyota is offering 0% financing on 12 models. Saved by Zero! Saved by Zero! I wonder if Toyota will still feel the need to do this in 60 days when GM is not a company anymore.

Crispy Whole Yellowfish- Again, pretty good description, nice portrayal of flavor. This is a pretty good blog-the roommate must be involved somehow. I can because there's not a corny bronstein joke thrown in every 3 lines. On to the scores:

Usefulness: 4.

Value Added-this "diamond in the rough" is very popular and I didn't learn anything really new. I'll give him a 2.

Decipherability-Since this category doesn't even really make sense, I'll award the critic a 5.

Humor-3-as thnaksgiving descends upon us, I'm thankful wod's has begun consulting his roomate for help with these blogs. It makes for a more enjoyable read.

Total score-14/20

A Salt and Battery-too wod a review for a catchy subtitle

Question: who has the bigger obsession-wodstein with the food network or his dad with the WB's old hit show 7th heaven. It's close,but i think Doc B does. I mean, he wrote a letter to reverend camden. Next week he hopes to have a 3 some with brooke shields and dr drake remoray. In any event, this is a really good restaraunt,but the critic surprisingly doesn't have much to say. This reviews makes The Hills look long.

While some of the content in this review wasn't bad,it was a short,choppy read and less organized than Beta Sig's homecoming week. Unfortunately it did not include any hot girls or rediculous stories about Kalmus doing 40 shots and banging 5 girls in one night. Point Beta Sig.

There are a lot of options at A Salt and Battery, and the critic really only goes in to detail for like 3 things. He does a nice job describing the Haddock,but claims the Pollock reminds him of the 4th grade cafeteria. I'm assuming this is a bad thing bc shore and his buddies used to torture wods and steal his milk money. That's the only thing that makes sense....i mean,who didn't like those fish sticks in 4th grade. What's next, the critic will claim he hates the simpsons too? way to turn on your child hood you bastard....

All in all, this review was short and not a fun read. It also had less content than John McCain's presidential campaign. I'm not even going to give it a score. It wasn't evne a blog, just some ramblings thrown together. I gave this an F minus. wow, how bout that i did give it a score after all. Don't bother reading his blog on this restaraunt-just go, it's good. Here's hoping the critic's next entry is an actual blog.

Kobe Club-- a white kid trying to be....????

Question: Who is whiter than Joshua Adam Bronstein? Answer: NO ONE. Well, maybe Richie on some days. but overall, no one. I think that's what makes this Beastie Boys like attempt at being "hip" so comical. Another part of the review i enjoyed was reading how a bird had shit ont he critic on his way to the kobe club. Now you know how we all feel when we have to read your meandering (big word alert!) reviews-confused and slighlty angry. In typical on again off again wodstein fashion, this review wasn't so bad. Let's have a look.


Actually wait. I can't let this line slip through "My idea of fine dining does not include hearing Beyonce and Alicia Keys; however, I must admit, when they come on the ipod, you will see those hips start to shake." There are so many things I can comment on here. My head literally exploded much like Gus Johnson's thinking of the possibilities. I mean, this has to be the single gayest thing that anyone has ever said. I think I should just leave it at that before offending more indiviuals, religions,ethnicities and animal rights groups than the show Family Guy, John Rocker and Archie Bunker combined.

Kobe Beef hot dog notes- Through reading his blogs, it has become evident the critic really enjoys any special attention that he feels differentiates himslef from any other diner. Not since Chad "Ocho Cinco" Johnson have I seen such a self centered figure. The hot dogs, however, sound quite good.

Kobe Beef Ravioli notes-every now and then bronstein's true love for food really shows through all the other bullshit. This papragraph was REALLY well done, and he deserves credit. He tells us why the ravioli was good,but lets us know the sauce is too heavy. If I go to Kobe Club again, maybe I'll order it sans sauce. This is the kind of stuff we're looking for critic. Not details of your gay love affair with the top chef. Good work.

Sirloin Steak notes-wow, this steak does sound good. The critic says it's the best meat he's ever put in his mouth, and we all knwo he has a lot of experience there! Gee, when did this blog become one big gay bash? Probably the same time Bronstein said "I'm gonna start a food blog". Oh well. This steak sounds really good, and the critic has sold me. If you go to Kobe Club order it. However,it sitll annoys me that he won't indentify his dining partner as one Hillary Steele. This may be the least funny gimmick since those bill gates jerry seinfeld comercials that just creeped everyone out.

Truffled French Fries- I will give all credit to Steph Rosen here. The critic did nothing. Glad we settled that.

Well, bronstein mentioned he didn't really fit in at the Kobe club,and he's right. I haven't seen a white guy try so hard to be black since Barack Obama. (despite that joke, PLEASE vote for him next week). But I have to admit,this review was definitely solid. Check it out. This makes me excited to review the next review so important questions can be answered. said questions include: Will Bronstine finally string together 2 good reivews? (probably not.) Will I stop mercilessly ripping on him? (probably not.) Will the Kobe club have some sort of celbration if Obama wins (maybe??) On to the scores:

Usefulness-4

Value added-4

Decipherability-4

Humor-4

Total score=16/20. nice job.

malaga-good advice, poor writing

Question: Can anyone think of an actor/athlete/celebrity who tries harder then bronstein does in his blog? I really can't. I sat and stared at my computer like a stoner stares at his hands trying to figure out how they got so big. And the truth is, I've got nothing. And I think that's my main beef here. The critic has some good thoughts,but tries too hard to be corny or funny or some odd combination of both. He also thinks just because he lived in Spain for a few months and likes food that he's a "spanish food expert.". That's almost as silly as if Sarah Palin claimed she had a lot foreign policy experience just because Alaska is kind of near Russia. Oh wait.....
I'm also slightly concerned with the critics opinion towards Spanish food. Both in earlier blogs and in personal conversations, the critic claims "this place has the most authentic spanish food, I would know." Josh, eventually, every phrase becomes played out. I would know-I rode "sorry man, i'm real fucked up" through half of college before people started catching on.

Patatas Bravas: I've been to Barcelona and I like food as well,so I feel I'm just as qualified to disuss these as he is. He actually does a nice job in his description. He tells me what patatas braves should be like,and how they matched up. BUT he turns me off by going on and on about his own futile attempts at making good patatas bravas-based on things hes cooked for me before, I'd say McLovin has a better chance of getting laid.

Fried Chorizo notes: This review is literally only two sentences. What the fuck? ESPN "Dream Job" winner Mike Hall's career was longer than this.

Shrimp in Garlic Sauce: For the 6th time the critic tells us he's an avid spanish food lover. Have you ever heard of a thesaurus?

Chicken Villaroy Notes: This paragraph really sums up my complaints with this review perfectly. He shows he's not such a bad critic by actually describing the dish quite well. Really. I'm not lying-I actually am complimenting him. Check it out. BUT he also includes phrases such as "to die for" and "mmm delcisious" frankly this creeps me out more than kethcup and the movie hannibal combined. It also makes me think Bronstein is trapped in an 80 year old woman's body.

MariscaDA notes-WOW!! I haven't seen the critic this excited since he dreamed of customizing his kitchen just like the sussman's. (yes,he really said this. He also has a food blog). Again, a good description. If we could do without the futile attmpets at humor,we might have something here.

I'm running out of time, so I'll leave it at this. I'm sorry to crush the critic again,but his reviews are the more inconsistent that Gus Frerrote ( I feel like I've used that joke before, sorry gus). Some are good, some aren't. This was not. The scores:

Usefulness: 4-actually good content,just poor writing

Value added: 3- i'd try this place. i think that's the critic's point. If not, I don't want to know what his point is.....

Decipherability:2- Anyone have any better ideas for a category here?

Humor/ value added-0: This is as close as I have come to a negative rating. That would just be cruel though. I hope next week is better-but I just looked at the title-"kobe club, if you're straight gangstaaaaaa"-stay tuned. should be interesting.

Total Score: 9/20

A Voce-a comeback bigger than the music city miracle

On the heals of last week's chicago cubs like bed wetting / choke job, I was really hoping for a better review.I also feel the need to bring something to the attention of my readers. Apparently wodstein's roommate has started his own food blog. In my mind, this is the best spin off idea since Frasier.In fact, we will now have 2 blogs that are based off of Bronstein's blog. Bronstein must feel like a non retarded William Hung-deep down he's just doing this blog for his own good and never imagined this many people would pay attention to him. and when you first saw it you thought "wow, this will be funny for a few times and then eventually go away." Only somehow it grew in popularity and is now fairly mainstream and the only way this can end is with bronstein making a holiday cd (http://www.cduniverse.com/search/xx/music/pid/6762512/a/Hung+For+The+Holidays.htm)
Anyhow, this introduction was longer than Conan O brien's nightly musing's that take up half the show. At least it's not last call with Carson Daly. On to the review

Duck Meatball notes-meatballs 2 weeks in a row? It seems the critic is a bigger ball whore than Audrina Partridge. (speaking of the hills, is there a real person comparison to spencer pratt. He's actually such a douche he's kind of likable, and after a while you start to hate Heidi's sister. Besides,spencer got a bad rap-everyone knows liz gately started the sex tape rumor.)The review itself was actually quite good. The critic does a nice job of explaining why the meatballs weren't good. I would have liked to have heard more about this rotten sauce,but overall a good start. Of course, Ricky Martin's career got off to a good start too,and we all know how that ended up.

Caprese Salas notes-Every now and then the Kansas city chiefs string together a few good plays in a row. Why is this relevant? Well, every now and then the critic strings together a couple of nice paragraphs. At least Bronstein's coach isn't Herm Edwards. I gotta give the critic props here too-he makes note of the small portions and even lets me know tomatoes are in season in august. This knowledge is probably as useful as the middle names of the 3 Tanner sisters (Jo, Judith, Elizabeth), but it's a nice touch. Well done critic.

Crostini Toscana notes-The critic brings the flavor to life and also again mentions the small portions. I'm not quite sure what josh is used to, but in my imagination these appetizers are smaller than rabbit poop. That's all here.

Seared scallop notes-It seems the critic didn't like this dish very much. In fact it seems duller than most of his reviews (Zing!!). After reading it I felt kinda nauseous and made the eli manning face, only to watch eli throw an interception that was ran back for a Td, upon which eli made the eli manning face. Great times indeed. This will come back to haunt me if the giants win the superbowl again,but let's hope that doesn't happen.

Farfalle notes-earlier I tore apart the critic for claiming he was a better cook then a professional at ThaiNy. Yet when he claims Wod Mike's farfalle is better than A Voce's it seems believable. I don't know why, but Wod Mike seems like the kind of kid that make's good farfalle. Than again I thought "Baywatch nights" AND "the new adventures of old christine" would be good Tv shows. So what do i know? I do know the critic says don't eat this farfel.

Riggatoni notes-well, there were a couple issues with this. One, you're a critic and it seems you ate very little due to the small portions. Why not at least sample this dish. What if i somehow end up at A voce and someone recommends the riggatoni? I'll end up more indecisive than Algazi at those old school Friday night dinner's (name dropper/shout out alert!!). Speaking of name droppers,why not name the person you eat with. We all know who it is. She constantly has your blog in her away message. This is the worst kept secret since Lindsay Lohan denied having a coke problem.

Dessert notes-apparently the critic is a real jerk and considered skipping out on the bill. That's just wrong. Even in The Sopranos, when the NJ mob kills people at the dinner table, Silv always thrown down a 100 before he walks out. I'm glad he stayed because it led to this line : "A gourmet doughnut is like a 100 little orgasms packed into one tasty treat.". I'm pretty sure I overheard Richard Simmons say the same thing to Clay Aiken once. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

In closing, this review was actually informative and to some degree,entertaining. I understand where the critic is coming from when complaining about the high prices and small portions. Still, for as much as he killed this place, he did seem to like certain dishes. You could even make the argument the opinion itself was as inconsistent as David Spade in "Just Shoot Me". Still, a step in the right direction. As Ari Gold says "This town loves a comeback,and since Britney fucked hers up, there's room for you." Or something like that. Seriously though, this review wasn't that great because Wods did a nice job and there wasn't much to pick apart. Let's see if that changes next week.

Usefulness-4: A pretty good review, I'll remember not to go to A Voce. Thanks Josh.

Value added-4: Again, a very good job. Huge turn around from the train wreck that was Perilla.

Decipherability-5: Whatever that means.

Humor/ Enjoyment-3: While not knee slappingly funny, it was an enjoyable read. I'll give credit where credit's due. Sorry this wasn't my best work,it's been a long day. This was more rushed out than Aquaman 2. I hope you enjoyed it.

Total Score: 16/20

perilla-one big slurp

For those of you who are not familiar with the term "slurp", it basically means "dick eat." If you can't figure out why, well, think about it. If you still can't figure it out, high school must have been rough for you. Why is this relevant-well,the last time I witnessed a public slurping as hard core as Josh slurping this random guy who won Top Chef was big sal and that tri delt girl in Kalmus' room junior year (true story). Seriously, no one cares who this guy is, or the fact that you happened to be in the same room as him. The writing is also cornier than Saved by the bell the new class.

spicy meatball dish notes-well, the main positive is that the critic describes the meatballs in such detail i feel like I was at the table. They do sound good, and if i go to perilla, I'll take his advice on these. The main negative is that I'm pretty sure it's illegal for any guy to go on and on this much about any type of "balls." Between that and all the slurping going on I'm not sure if I'm reading a review of a restaurant or the script to a sequel of Cuba Gooding and Horatio Sanz's movie "boat trip"

pork bellies notes-well, not to tear the critic apart, but this is where his inexperience as a writer is really exposed. Rather than describe what could be an interesting dish, the critic rambles on about a Penn State finance class. I still don't really know what pork bellies or, or how they taste. This is worse than that book report on Tigers I've alluded to in past blogs.

Chatham cod notes: Remarkably, the review includes this quote "I must admit I am not a huge olive fan to begin with, so my opinion here is not valid. " To me, this is astonishing. Why am I reading your blog if your opinion is worthless? While watching the Saints Vikings Monday night game, I just heard the infamous Ed Hocculi go on and on about how a false start prevailed over the other 6 penalties on the play. Somehow, that made more sense then the critic's work so far.

Trgger fish notes: Finally. a good section here. The critic does a really nice job of describing Trigger fish (sounds kind of made up to me) and what it taste's like. Where has this been for the first 90% of the blog? The critic then closes by slurping the dude who owns the restaraunt some more ( OMG he was there there the same night as Bronstein was!!! That's shocking seeing that he owns the restaurant and all) I want the past 30 minutes of my life back.

Well, this was not good work. Worse yet it was creepy. Remember in 90210 after Kelly has the coke problem and she brings home that random girl to live in the beach house,and everyone's bugged out because the girl is clearly obsessed with Kelly and even cuts her hair the same way? I'm slighlty concerned if you fast forward 15 years and substitute the 2 girls for Bronstein and this top chef winning guy you'd have the same situation. right down to Bronstien attempting suicide with the chef guy tied up next to him. Not good times. On to the scores.

Usefulness: 1-Before reading this i knew josh really liked and admired chefs. I didn't need to read this to find out.

Value added: 1-no comment

Decipherability: 3- This category makes no sense, I just need another category.

Humor/ value added-3-it may not be 100% intentional,but to some degree it was an enjoyable read. I apologize if it seems harsh,but sometimes negative reinforcement is necessary. I'm confident the critic will bounce back in review #6.

Total score: 8/20

rare bar and grill-a "rare" good review!!!

That little pun in the title wasn't just for humor purposes. It's a fact. I really enjoyed this review. Big improvement over the ThaiNy disaster. I know what you may be thinking-wow he actually likes Bronstein's reviews? Well,in a world where people want to write a blog reviewing my reviews of brontein's reviews,and Tina Fey's evil twin is running for vice president, anything is possible. On to the review.

Appetizer notes-Nothing very funny about this section. It was well done actually. And I'll tell you what else, he's right. Their briskett quesadilla IS good. You can see Bronstein maturing and progressing as a blogger. His performance is now out of "Heath Ledger's novice performance in 10 things I hate about you" territory and rapidly approaching "Heath Ledger in the joker" territory. Ok, maybe he's not that far along,but he's atleast in "Heath Ledger as a shaky yet enjoyable Sonny Grotowsky in monster's ball territory. For those of you who are surprised with where I went with that, well, the brokeback mountain comparison was too easy.

Fry tasting basket notes: Again, really good detail. This dish is delicious and josh brings it to life. I really enjoyed this passage -"What is a PB & J without the jelly? I tell ya one thing..its not a PB & J. It’s the same thing with burgers and fries- the all American classic meal." It did prompt an anonymous friend to claim "what's bronstein without a dildo?" Just throwing that out there. I apologize for the plagiarism. If anyone knows the correct MLA style parenthetical citation for a website, please let me know.

Rare Cheddar Cheese burger-the critic lets us know that he did not order this burger,but "tried a few bites." Rumor has it he ate the entire thing,then ordered another burger of his own. Fat-ass.(Why is that hyphenated,that's not right?)Anyhow, Josh does list all the toppings for us and yes, he's correct. The burger is quite good. I'm glad he didn't review McDonald's.

Filet Steakhouse burger with Brie Cheese-Yes Josh,we all know you love Brie cheese. Isn't a good critic supposed to be unbiased? Instead,the critic just goes on and on telling us how much he loves Brie cheese and couldn't even contribute to the conversation (what else is new?). While he's right on about the burger, a little less bias would be appreciated. Did rare pay you for this review? This seems awfully similar to the kickback scandal that rocked The Home Depot's corporate office last summer.


As I've stated,overall I did enjoy this review. I would actually suggest going to the jspot and reading it. It does rare a service. Maybe bronstein has a future in this business after all. On to the scores:

Usefulness: 5. A solid review.

Value added: 3-Much like ThaiNy this is a pretty mainstream restaurant most people have been to already. I agree with the review, but didn't learn anything new (except that an anonymous friend thinks Bronstein loves dildos.

Decipherability: 4-Every time i type this I become more and more convinced. The red squggily machine think it's 2 separate words.

Humor/Enjoyment:4- Much like the menen comericla / co-stan-za jingle, Bronstein's humor has started to grow on me.Sure it's corny and not "actually" funny,but it serves it's purpose. I think. Either way,this was an accurate and enjoyable read. Let's see if he can keep it up.

Total score-16/20

ThaiNY-8/9/2008

Well folks, your favorite reviewer of reviews is back and potentially better than ever. I must admit, I was disappointed by the critic's choice this week. I was hoping this blog would teach me about new and exciting places in NYC, not a place I pass every time I go to my girlfriend's place. I don't know many people who haven't been here before. Reviewing ThaiNY, a place everyone's already been to is like still telling everyone how great "The Dark Knight" was. Oh wait,the critic still does that too. Maybe we need to let him know it's October. Judging by his fantasy football team's performance the first 4 weeks he really might not be aware. On to the review.

Appetizer-A simple yet efficient review. Why was there nothing to report concerning the spring rolls? Were they good? Did you find them to be too greasy? What's your fascination with plum sauce? Was it better than the pasta you had at the g man on Saturday night? Let us know. Oh, and save me a dumpling. sorry for the lack of jokes here, it's been a long day.

Pad Thai-Sometimes the snow comes down in June. Sometimes the sun goes around the moon. No this is not an homage to Wod's favorite singer, Vanessa Williams,but is rather my way of admitting I have to 100% agree with the critic on this one. He really got this one right. I can't really find fault,or I'd risk sounding like Brett Favre doing his whole "we're not that good" routine after tossing 6 TD's. Don't get too excited though Josh. Even a broken clock is right twice a day. Sucker.

Shrimp in Ginger Sauce notes-"When I really don’t like something at a restaurant, I always ask myself, “could I make this better in my own kitchen?” Usually, if the dish isn’t great, the answer is yes". Wow. I really don't know what to say. I'm speechless. I mean......(shaking head).....really? You think you're a professional chef? What will be your go to dish on top chef....the broccoli cheddar soup or the tougher than nails hangar steak? I was a fan of your tuna that night sr year though-thanks for saving me a piece. you know I love Tuna.


Tamarin duck notes-wow you guys ate all this as only 2 people? Did you pull the trigger after? Nothing much to say here really. The critics fascination with plum sauce is noted. Maybe that will be next week's "secret ingredient"

It's tough writing these now because I know Josh's blogging does improve. Maybe I should skip to the current blogs. but than I'd deny you all my feelings on blogs 4-9. The point is, I did not like this blog at all. The only thing i dislike more than reviews of popular palces everyone's been too is "part 3" of a movie where studios just try and milk out more money even though half of the original cast is no longer signed on (i.e. Home Alone 3 sans Makauly Culkin). On to the scores:

Usefulness: 1-Again, we've all been here before. What will your next review be. McDonalds? I hear the Big Mac is really good these days.

Value added:1-I don't mean to beat this into the ground like Dan Dierdorf did Tom Brady's injury.


Decipherability:3-the writing style of this particular blog is more bland than a tough hangar steak. oh wait i already used that line. damn.

Humor:1-Tom Hanks. Mel Gibson. Stephanie Pratt. All great artists/entertainers have their lows and at some point get absolutely crushed by some snooty critic. Except Chuck Norris of course. Consider this your initiation. Better luck next time, Critic.

le cirque-should be called le short

I'm thinking josh must have been in a hurry while writing this section. How else can you explain the complete disregard for detail? It's of if this is the case,but Josh, please give us some sort of warning. The Tiger book report i mentioned before (let's see if we can incoporate that into each blog) was longer than this.

First course notes: This review is effective in that it conveys the critics overall feelings,but it leaves me wanting more. I was also kind of ashamed that I did indeed know Richard form TC 4. This gives me that same kind of guilty feeling I get when watching the new 90210-that Adriana is such a bitch!

Second Course notes: Again, this review is short,but it does get the job done. It also helps paint a picture of the author in Spain. I'd elaborate,but it's in bad taste fo rthe review ot be longer than the original work.

Third Course notes: I'm not sure what's so egregious (big word) about poached chicken,but the critic seems to have major issues with it. I do have to give him props-he makes it sound grosser than Beef Stroganoff night at Beta Sig. Nice detail-and thank you for mentioining that it was restaraunt week. I was wondering how you could afford it after all those sucker bets you made.

Dessert Notes: Again, this seemed a bit rushed,but the 3 sentences did the job so I can't complain. I really enjoyed the football comparison. Nice use of imagery Josh.

Overall thoughts: Well, As I keep saying, this review could have been a lot longer. The Lack of quantity kind of hindered my creative abilities as well. but the quality was there-now we just need to see more of it. Overall, this review was enjoyable, but on the shorter side and left me kind of confused (that's what she said.) Personally I'd compare to to Dude Where's My Car (that's a good thing in my book). I''m also not sure why supposed is in quaotation marks near the end of the review. The sentence reads Basically, you have the opportunity to eat at the “supposed” best restaurants in the city for $35/person. Shouldn't the "" be around best, not supposed. It's kind of like "Why would JERRY bring anything vs why would Jerry bring aything, for all you seinfeld fans". On to the scores

Usefulness: 2-Useful recommendation in that i don't really want to goto this place, but I still don't fully understand why.

Value Added: 5- funny how this worked out. Most places loved this place. Josh provided a different view on it. Gotta give him credit for that.

Decipherability: 4-Very easy to understand. That's all there really is so say.

Humor/ Enjoyment Factor: 1- Maybe it's because it was rushed, but this particular blog had less humor than The Shawshank Redemption. Nothing about it really stuck out at all. Yea, it got the point accross,but I'm looking for entertainment as well. Sorry Critic.

Overall Score: 12/20.

Comments and suggestions and welcomed!

Nougatine: July 24th, 2008

Well, this was Josh's first review. It is being reviewed 2 months after it was first published, so hopefully we will be able to see how far Josh has come as a blogger.

This blog was full of both a food lover's expertise and a novice blogger's inexperience. I felt Josh did a nice job of describing the mood of the dinner, and was clear about what dishes he liked and what dishes he did not. However, he shared a few details about the individual meal we could have done without and at times was a bit unclear regarding the details of what disappointed him.

First course notes: Pros-good overall description of the dish.
Cons- didn't go into enough detail regarding the soup. Also, too much supplementary info-we don't care about the waiter's exact wording-could have just said, brought out complimentary "insert dish here." We don't need to know he made you feel good. If I go to Nougatine, I won't say to myself, gee the waiter made Bronstein feel good, I hope he does the same for me. After typing that out,it actually sounds kind of creepy. I digress.

Second course notes: I really enjoyed this part of the blog. Josh made me feel like I actually sampled a bit of his salad. Most importantly,he did it succinctly, without the fluff of the previous paragraph. Touche, critic.

Third course notes: I'll be honest, this part left me wanting a bit more. I had some questions as to why the dish didn't meet his expectations. What made him expect so much in the first place? Did the menu portray it to be something else? Regarding the Salmon: tell us a bit more-undercooked can be loosely interpretated. Everyone has their own tastes-share with us what you like and consider to be sufficient, so that we may see how this matches up or falls short. You're the expert. make us see why this wasn't up to par. Some detail would be appreciated. My book report on tigers in third grade went into more detail, and I didn't even really read the book.

Fourth course notes: A Marked improvement. Again, I'd like to know a little more about the Chicken-most people like a large slice. But, to his credit,this is a bit nit-picky. Josh did a nice job describing the plating and tastes of this particular dish. I am however, curious about the critics fascination with white asparagus.


Fifth course notes: A simple review for what appears to be a simple,yet efficient desert. Simple and efficient is also how I'd rate this portion. It certainly got he job done describing the flavor and the quality of the sweets,but it seems like he mailed this last bit in much like Ashton Kutcher mailed in his performance in "what happens in vegas." That's really a whole other blog though-the guy clearly doesn't care about acting or movie choice anymore. He was much cooler as Kelos on that 70's show. Of course , he's now banging Demi Moore, so at least he's got something going.

Overall, this was a solid first effort by Josh. He did a nice job describing some of the dishes,but he did leave some detail to be desired,and at times bored me with his own personal details. Also, part's of the blog lacked creativity and flow,and kind of reminded me of the 2008 Minnesota Vikings offense (any AP owner knows what I'm talking about). But I don't want to go to hard on our friend.....this is a solid first effort.

Scores:

Usefulness-4. I feel I understand the place pretty well,and would like to give it a shot.

Value Added: 3- This is not very unique compared to several of the major food rating sites on the internet. I found several similar dishes and comments while doing my research. In no way am i insinuating Josh copied off of any other websites,but I was hoping for some more unique dishes to be described by the expect.

Decipherability: 4- Especially for an initial offering,this review was easy to follow, and for the most part, got it's point across.

Humor/ Enjoyment factor: 2-Please understand, I made this a category after reading all of Josh's reviews, some of which had me "lol-ing". This was not one of those. If I had to rank it, I'd put it somewhere between NBC's hit show "Joey" and Dennis Miller's stint on Monday night football.

Overall score: 13 out of 20. Good first effort Josh.

Please note this is my first attempt at a blog. I am not perfect nor do I claim to be. Any suggestions are most appreciated. I''m even thinking of changing the ratings. Comments are appreciated.

An introduction: Reviewing Bronstein's reviews

Hello All,

Let me start by saying in no way is this blog meant to insult to anger Bronstein. He is one of my best friends, and PFL's. However in a conversation today he insinuated that blogging is "a skill" and that he was some sort of an expert because he has a food blog. I would like to preface this by saying some of Bronstein's blogs are very useful and well written. However, I do believe he has room to improve,and I feel this is a good public forum for people to speak their minds about this increasingly popular site. I do not claim my site will be perfect-that is the point-bloggers are not experts. Please feel free to share your thoughts,and we can debate the merit of the blog. If you do not know what I'm talking about, we will be reviewing our friend Josh Bronstein's blog.

http://thejspot-food.blogspot.com/

I will review each post based on a few categories and give my arbitrary score. Points will be given on a scale of 1-5, with 5 being the highest.

The categories are :

1. Usefulness: Is this review helpful to the average New Yorker? Does it make sense? Is the average person aided by or confused by this review? Points will be given on a scale of 1-5, with 5 being the highest.

2. Value added: Does this review add any real value and teach us something, or is it simply a copy off of more mainstream websites ( I will be doing research on each review to compare and contrast)

3. Decipherability: While this large and possibly non real word may look confusing, it's point is simple: Is the review easy to understand, or is it a series of incoherent food obsessed ramblings.

4. Humor/ Enjoyment factor: Josh does a very nice job of making his blogs come to life. I expect he will accumulate high scores here.

Please visit out sister site here : www.phillysportsplus.blogspot.com